Carnarvon, WA:
Police have called on witnesses after it was alleged a Liberal politician chastised staff at a Gascoyne motel for only offering scotch fingers and Blend 43 as part of its complimentary services.
Due to a lack of CCTV footage, investigators are now scrambling to identify the perpetrator who is said to have checked out of Carnarvon Motel on Wednesday afternoon.
“Why you contemptuous little swine,” said the woman, described by stunned onlookers as rotund with foul breath.
“How dare you not serve up Kopi Luwak with some Royal Dansk.
“You expect someone of my stature to accept two sachets of shit-water Nescafe Blend 43?
“Well come on, out with it, you insignificant little skidmark!”
As most seasoned travellers are aware, Carnarvon Motel is the perfect pitstop for anyone making the grand tour up the North West Coastal Highway.
With its dilapidated playground and occasional bed bugs, it offers much-needed respite from the township itself, known as a quaint shit-hole marred by lawlessness, as previously reported.
But what the motel lacks in aesthetics is made up for with its generous offering of complimentary snacks atop the minibar, with some guests even bagging the coveted Butternut Snap and Delta Cream duo.
However, on this fateful occasion the tasty treats were not enough to appease the suspected Liberal politician, who is on a wicket of more than $300K a year.
Darren Kowel, who was selling drugs out of room 32 at the time, told the Bugle the middle-aged woman wearing lipstick-red glasses then began banging on the front desk like an incensed silverback gorilla.
“She was possessed eshay, I have never seen anything like it,” he said.
“She kept saying things like ‘do you know who I am’ and ‘I’ll get my boy Christian Porter on to you’.
“It was not good for business, my smackhead clientele favour discretion.”
With management nowhere to be found, fresh out of Bangladesh and second day into the job, Singh Abangishye, was summoned to the counter.
“Do me a favour child, see to it that I have freshly baked scones with cream and jam, and a bottle of Grange next time I visit,” she was overheard.
“Otherwise, things could get difficult.”
She then allegedly proceeded to signal to a photo in her wallet of Scott Morrison holding a trophy of a boat with the label “I stopped these”.
What happened next is still up for debate, but a source told The Bugle the woman expelled a substantially rancid fart into an empty Arnott’s plastic wrapper and threw it into the office like a grenade and sealed off any points of exit by barricading the door with her frame.
“The smell was so pungent that my eyes started to water,” Singh told The Bugle.
“It was a scent so vivid that it took me back to cremations on the Ganges.”
Toxicologists later confirmed the gases were a mix of aged port and Roquefort.
With no further leads, investigators are desperate for anyone to come forward.
“As you can imagine, identifying the alleged suspect is a very difficult task considering Carnarvon or the northwest has rarely seen a Liberal polly set foot in this place,” Constable Cruikshank said.
“All we have been told is that this person supposedly voted consistently against support for rural and regional Australia.
“Please, if you come into contact with this individual remember to keep a wide berth as they are likely to detonate at a moment’s notice.”
