The inner sanctum of Kevin Michel’s lair has been laid bare after the Karratha Bugle attended a job interview undercover.
It was only a few days after our reporter submitted her resume to the MLA’s electorate office that she received an urgent call to meet the local member at Karratha Village.
Michel had worked himself into a lather playing spider solitaire and needed immediate counsel.
The Labor man stood there breathing aggressively through his nose, marvelling as our reporter matched up the cards.
What follows is an incredulous transcript showing the machinations of the Pilbara political stronghold.
Reporter: Mr Michel, respectfully, now that the game is complete, I would like the opportunity to take part in the interview.
Michel: I don’t follow?
Reporter: The job recently advertised on Facebook.
Michel: Very well, let me just get set up – I always start my day with a motivational ritual.
It is believed Michel then went over to his CD collection and started blasting “I like to move it, move it” from the Madagascar original soundtrack, singing along perfectly while bobbing his like King Julien XIII.
Michel: You like to?
Reporter: Move it.
Michel then started laughing uncontrollably until the point of wetting himself.
Licking his forefinger and thumb before flitting through the crinkled notes, Michel proceeded.
Michel: First question, how many demerit points do you have left? And are you willing to share?
Reporter: Yes, and I have them all.
Michel allegedly then tried to conceal an unpaid speeding fine on his desk, after being clocked at 146km/h earlier this year.
Before the interview could continue, Michel launched into a tirade, complaining how each chair he tried let out a churning squeak under the tension of him sitting down.
He then summoned his wheelchair-bound secretary.
Michel: Susan, let me have a go on that… ok, much better, what inspirational quote do you turn to during hard times?
Reporter: Can I have a think about it and circle back?
Michel: Sure, but can I tell you mine?
“I don’t have a red crayon, I ate it” – Ralph Wiggum.
Whenever I’m asked tricky questions from my boss, I look at him and say “Roger, I don’t have a red crayon, I ate it.” He usually leaves me alone after that.
The interview was briefly interrupted by a passerby who shouted from their vehicle “Say cheese! Kodak Kev!”
In an instant Michel set off after the vehicle, dragging the male driver from the car and thoroughly beating him with the sole of his Roman sandal before collecting himself and returning to the table.
Michel: How fast can you eat a Banh Mi from Pilbara bakehouse?
Reporter: Probably just the normal amount of time.
Michel: Hah! I can Kobayashi its ass!
Michel then re-enacted a ravenous dog gnawing meat off a bone.
Our reporter knew he had put the politician at ease as Michel took out a rubber Spalding from his pocket and began bouncing it to himself off the wall.
Michel: A lot of what we do is God’s work, helping the community and such.
Just this morning I was on my usual coffee run – ice dirty chai, triple choc frappe, thank you very much – where I whipped out a roll of 20 dollar notes.
“no big deal,” I said as I winked to cashier and insisted the barista take the change.
“I just changed that poor person’s life” I thought to myself.
With the coffee taking hold of Kevin’s bowel, our reporter counted 19 times during the 30 minute interview that Michel lifted his leg inconspicuously and let out poorly hidden flatulence.
A few seconds after each rancid fart, he attempted to divert attention looking around and pointing the finger at anything that breathed.
Michel: Someone’s done a nasty pop-off around here!
Probably bloody Susan again.
Look, let’s cut to the chase, politics is a rough game.
Michel motioned our reporters eyes down as he yanked up his Van Heusen shirt to reveal several inch long scars on his torso.
Michel: This morning I was shadow bowling spin in the office and fell on the stapler.
Michel was briefly distracted, mesmerised even, by the reflection of bird-deterrent CDs strung to a fishing line hanging from the ceiling outside.
Michel: I like you, kid. I tell you what, you’ve got the job.
One condition, you want to see something special?
Reporter: Sure.
Kevin directed the man to a secret room secured by a giant vault and guarded by two men holding AK47s.
Inside was hundreds of photo frames picturing Kodak Kev with notable figures at significant moments in time.
Our reporter said they were wide-ranging, including one frame showing Kevin Michel next to JFK when he was assassinated in the motorcade.
Editor’s note: Let it be known Kevin Michel has held his seat three elections back-to-back. Credit where credit is due, whatever that madman is doing is working.
