Dampier, WA:
Ray Graham thought he had the world.
He laughed at the caution that money can’t buy happiness, while buying every boy’s toy he came across in some adolescent rush on payday.
Which might be acceptable if he wasn’t 36 years old.
Mr Graham, a cashed up minesite bogan in the truest sense, is the proud owner of a list of bits, bobs, gadgets and gear so long it could make an Istanbul bazaar owner envious.
His Bulgarra five-by-four has no fewer than three boats, four cars (two Toyota Prados), six gaming consoles, a go-kart and remote control plane, a surfboard, 85” television and a nine-seat recliner (with inbuilt cupholders, of course).
There’s a robot vacuum, robot lawnmower, and a high performance drone; ebike and escooter; two signed West Coast Eagles guernseys and a boxed 500gb circa 2009 iPod – which he’s sure will be worth something one day.
There’s golf clubs (beginner’s and advanced – he thought he might go pro a few years ago) plus the standard repertoire of goods expected of a man who went camping one time: roof tent, luxury swag, diesel generator, stretcher bed, portable television, 5G range extender and a campsite kitchen that even Gordon Ramsey would have trouble finding fault with.
Much of it, though, never left the garage.
Three years ago Mr Graham was rained on while out bush and he hasn’t suggested heading out since.
A Bugle intern, on work experience from Karratha Senior High School, reluctantly agreed (on pain of being sent back to school for the week) to head to the home of this hoarder-lite gastropod of a bloke and ask a few softball questions for this week’s edition.
Inviting our reporter into his TV room – permanently dimmed to cinema lighting – Mr Graham fell into his couch with a sigh, picking the crumbs out of the sticky cupholder, beneath the hanging Eagles guernseys, as the home shopping channel played on loop.
The wall-mounted LCD’s blinding white light beamed across the pair, a conveyor belt of promotions for deliver-today treadmills, exercise bikes pedalled by fit young white people and a miniature chicken roaster that the American voiceover promised could cook a whole bird from frozen in 30 minutes.
“They say money can’t buy you happiness,” he said.
“I always thought that was just a thing rich people said to keep the proles looking at the floor.
“Maybe I need to do something with my life. To stop searching for satisfaction in the short-term and make something of myself. Get out of here, see the world!
You know I’ve never left WA? Never even been to Perth – though I slag it off every chance I get.”
Mr Graham appeared to be on the verge of a breakthrough when the chicken roaster grabbed his attention again on the 85” monstrosity.
Its glistening, golden skin was like fresh bait on the line as it rotated before him, slowly browning beneath iridescent vermillion heaters. Four easy payments of $49.95, the voice told the pair. Order today and get two free sets of steak knives.
“Deliver today?” he asked himself, looking at his watch.
“A roast wouldn’t be bad right now.”
