Satire:
Less than 6 months after opening its doors, the failed Karratha arm of gaudy hip-hop burger franchise Milky Lane has announced it is closing down.
Announced yesterday via a suspiciously AI generated-looking media release, franchisee Stardeck Group announced they reached a mutual agreement with Milky Lane on a “Strategic Transition,” which roughly translates to “failed business venture.”
The reasoning given for the separation was reportedly an unfeasible integration of operational systems, a broad summary that could potentially include factors like $30+ overpriced burgers, an unbearable atmosphere and a general sense that as a customer you were being bent over the barrel.
Speaking to media in front of the venue, the proprietor of Stardeck Group said it was a shame to close the doors so soon.
“This is wiggedy whack dawg,” he said, still transitioning out of his contracted Milky Lane terminology.
“Yo fam, even when that tree blocking our sign magically fell down, our joint was still not bussin’ enough to continue operating – no cap.”
Set to close it’s doors on 31 August and with reported plans to reopen once again as a bar, Social Media Officer at Stardeck Tiffani Barzini said it’s getting harder to portray the erratic business changes in a positive light.
“I’m not sure posting a reel of people clinking their diabetes-inducing milkshakes is going to get us out of this one,” she said.
“I had enough trouble flogging Saturday nights at Blanche when it was just some hack douchebag with an acoustic guitar playing Greenday.”
Milky Lane Karratha was preceded by Blanche, a bar that somehow held the title of ‘most awarded venue in the Pilbara’, and whilst accruing no awards of its own during the less than 6 months of operations, when Milky Lane Karratha closes its doors on August 31, it will shatter the record for the quickest Milky Lane franchise to close down in Australia.
Head of bar staff Kane Kainerson defended the failed venue, claiming it’s the punters who are wrong.
“Management has asked me to say – I loved working at Milky Lane and the leadership is top tier,” he said.
“Furthermore, I was instructed that I should remark on how positive the working environment is.”
Speaking to Karratha community members about the announcement, the responses were quite one sided.
“Thank fuck for that – that neon aesthetic felt like I was taking my son to laser tag,” said one.
“Can these pinheads just settle on a bar that serves piss that’s not overpriced, it’s not rocket science,” jabbed another.
“I will dearly miss my daily lotus biscoff milkshake and donut churro fries, but on the bright side – at least now the doctors might not have to amputate the other foot!” said a cheerful diabetic.
Whilst many will be happy to see Milky Lane go, punters did express a sense of futility, acknowledging that whatever goes in it’s place will likely still sell $19 servings of chips.
