A former hulking beast of a woman has this week been crowned the Pilbara’s most beautiful, and she’s thanked the miracle pill Ozempic for her success.
Helen Todd, previously a notorious salad dodger known to some colleagues as The Hulk, received a standing ovation during a ceremony at the Red Earth Arts Precinct on Wednesday after a panel of three judges sensationally voted her as the region’s greatest bit of eye candy.
It was the result of an incredible transformation for Ms Todd, who as recently as October was a heavy-footed gorilla of a woman whose male mine site colleagues were known to go clammy at the approaching sound of her thumping steps.
She was like a T-Rex stalking a broken-down Ford Explorer.
“I’d especially like to thank all of the rats and monkeys that were pricked, sliced, poisoned and eventually starved to death in laboratories so that I can look good and feel great,” Ms Todd said at the ceremony through heavily botoxed lips.
Ms Todd’s previous awards include an informal gong for Most Rancid Fart on her north-west minesite, besting more than 40 men whose diets were based on a morning choccy milk.
The judges noted Ms Todd’s “brave” journey and praised her “boss girl” energy.
Ozempic and its rivals arrived on the scene in the past few years as nothing short of miracle drugs.
Despite being marketed as medicine for diabetics, greedy chubsters from across Australia and the world quickly sucked up supply like they might once have done to a box of doughnuts.
And the results speak for themselves.
Women who once lost breath just getting up off the toilet now have the confidence to step outdoors, squeeze into a pair of buttcheek-scrunching activewear leggings and share their unwanted “my journey” TikToks to the social media feeds of many unconsenting recipients.
After 20 years of educating young girls to not worry about their weight, Ozempic tells them they should – because there’s an easy way to fix it that doesn’t require even a modicum of effort.
Ms Todd said she hoped her transformation inspired others to follow in her footsteps – by taking the path of least resistance.
“Why the fuck would I put any effort into my health when there’s an itsy bitsy pill,” she said.
“Slay, queens!”
