Guinness World Records officials are currently reviewing aerial photos of a gargantuan piece of faecal matter that was discovered floating off Rosemary Island at the weekend.
While some pundits are calling it a “vile act of shitting underwater” others are lauding it as a colossal crap that will go down in the Pilbara history books.
“We’re not talking about dropping the kids off at the pool here, we’re talking about Jack, Jill and the whole fucking primary school,” said GWR Official Adjudicator Ron Steamer.
The buoyant nard, believed to be 5cm diameter cylindrical chunks and “coated in a viscous lacquer”, was first spotted lurking in the shallows of the namesake island on Sunday morning.
Amassing to an area of roughly 2sqm, the fearsome flotilla fooled its first victim, the Withers family, after they mistook it for Yoshi the loggerhead turtle.
“Mummy, Mummy, look the turtle is covered in seaweed,” recalled Jane, who was describing the regretful moment she watched her daughter Sammy, 6, wade into the shallows to untangle the creature.
“Next minute, all I saw a flurry of splashing and little Sammy crying uncontrollably as she was coated in different shades of brown muck.
“Only her fog-free Zoggs were spared.”
The disturbance in the water then caused the sprayed pebbles to allegedly take off at a rate of 3 knots and were heading full steam for Legendre Island.
This was confirmed by Murujuga Rangers, who were watching from above in a chopper whilst surveying Sea Country.
“Forgive me for thinking this was a colony of sea cucumbers,” MAC Ranger Vince Adams said.
“I had pre-emptively sent Roger Cook a photo of it with some dollar signs.
“We soon realised this was for more sinister – this was the work of a spearfisherman.”
It is widely understood in spearfishing circles that divers will squeeze out a deuce to mark coordinates, for example ‘I shot a Rankin Cod here’ or ‘I saw a Tiger Shark here’. The latter is usually expressed involuntarily but provides valuable data nonetheless.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Mr Adams continued.
“Last time I witnessed something like this was when I was a young fella, out mustering cattle with uncle Ned.
“The dirty bastard laid a cable by the fire without any warning, I woke up petrified thinking I was about to be attacked by a King Brown… big ole!.”
While the Federal Government is currently reviewing the incident for breaches of Sea Dumping law, the Guinness World Records team are calling for the gestational creator to come forward.
“Someone has released the Kraken and they should be duly rewarded for it,” Ron Steamer told The Bugle.
“We are asking anyone to come forward if they have any valuable information.
“The only line of enquiry we have thus far is that Bruce Withers, the father of the family, was nowhere to be seen moments before the floater was first sighted.”
