Karratha, WA –
The Albanese Government has today proudly announced the cab rank outside K-mart will be inscribed to the National Heritage register for its outstanding cultural values.
The iconic 10m red-bricked strip with little reprieve from the sun is a melting pot of diversity and a true spectacle when viewed in the right conditions.
The very few seats that flank the site are usually occupied by an incredible blend of First Nations, pensioners and usually a crackhead abusing their significant other on speakerphone if you’re lucky.
But what has expedited this listing is the local African taxi mafia sprinkling their “chilled worldly vibes” into the fold.
Speaking exclusively to The Bugle, UNESCO World Heritage Centre panellist Greg McIntyre said the dynamics have totally transformed Karratha City Plaza.
“Once you finally squeeze into a car bay, between two fuck-off Saharas, and make off on foot, you are greeted by the most terrific site,” McIntyre remarked.
“As you can see here, we have four white taxi vans parked seamlessly behind each other – in the front vehicle you have a chap reclined as far back as possible with his feet hanging out the window, listening to Ghanaian Dancehall tunes and enjoying his fifth siesta for the day.
“The next cab has no one in it, but if you look closely the driver has draped his seat with a wooded beaded massage mat – an important relic in chauffeuring history.
“Now, as you move past the cab rank and walk through the automatic doors – mind that fat bodyguard pinning a girl to the floor – your nostrils are met with a distinct aromatic blend of urine and excrement, part of the fun is figuring out which end it came out!
“And look, take a gander over there, a frozen coke that has been ditched at the floor for no apparent reason… simply marvellous.”
The threshold for National Listing is that the site offers outstanding heritage value to the nation. This can include rare or endangered aspects of Australia’s cultural or natural heritage.
“You smell that,” McIntyre continued.
“That’s the smell of a large chips being salted to perfection at Chicken Treat, one of the last vestiges of the free market.”
Unveiling the plaque, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese posed for the camera alongside the only person present at the cab rank at the time – a shoeless man named Steve who told the Bugle the Government had been sending him subliminal messages for the past 10 years.
Local Traditional Owner Ngarluma man Noel Churnside told The Bugle he did not accept the listing.
“Mate I am not sure why mob always congregate around this bloody spot, but the government are obviously under the impression this site has some sentimental value to us.
“We’ve been trying to get Murujuga on the World Heritage List after our ancestors have been on country for more than 50,000 years… but the bureaucrats won’t bat an eyelid… they’ve got fucking rocks in their head.”