Karratha, WA –
Suppliers of black market pharmaceuticals are experiencing trade levels that they haven’t seen since the 2010’s with recent visits from the Prince of Perth Ben Cousins and renowned Gold Bar regular- turned broadcaster- turned politician Basil Zempilas.
With increasing house prices and cost of living showing no signs of slowing down, the market for leisure products like jetskis or ecstasy has slowed into a lull, putting serious pressure on local, hard-working drug dealers.
The news of Ben Cousins adding Karratha as a stop on his speaking tour and Basil Zempilas going regional to try steal some votes away from a safe Labor seat have buoyed dealers like Mark (name changed for legal reasons), who told the Bugle the monetary stimulus from the announcements could not have come at a better time.
“It’s been a brilliant month of trading,” he boasted.
“Ben has been behaving lately, which is great to see, but he didn’t buy anything from me,”
“I sold more snow in a single day to blokes who thought they were going to ‘get on the bags with Benny’ than I had in the last six months.”
“Even sober, he is an excellent marketing tool.”
Celebrating trade levels that meant he could almost surely secure another all blacked-out BMW M3, Mark couldn’t believe his luck when he heard that Basil Zempilas was coming to town.
“That is like hitting the coke dealer powerball,” he said.
“Just look at that Hellenic honker in the middle of his face bro, looks like one of those Henry vacuum cleaners.”
“I’m surprised there was any blow leftover for anyone else in the early 2000’s when Baz was on his Goldbar run.”
Economist Thomas Franze told the Bugle the recent influx of trading is sure to have a trickle down effect on the wider community in Karratha.
“Since the aforementioned visits, we have seen a 25% uptick in the sales of ski masks and red running shoes,” he said.
“Usually when you see a spike in the sales of cocaine like this, you will also see a bullish trend towards the markets of Marijuana or Xanax.”
After such a strong start to 2025, Mark forecast a promising third quarter.
“Look with Pete Murray and his acoustic guitar coming to town, it’s anyone’s guess what that will bring out in the people of Karratha,” he said.
“We’ve certainly got some molly and ket lined up for the See the Sun album tragics.”
“But moving forward, what we really need is City of Karratha to bring in Grant Denyer.”
“Now that annoying midget loves the sniff.”