Karratha, WA –
A thrilling contest between man and sphincter is unfolding in the State’s North West as Clive Palmer clenches his glutes to hold in what could be the most important fart of his life.
While on an otherwise typical visit of his Sino project 100km south-west of Karratha, Mr Palmer was warned by DMIRS officers on-site that he himself would also have to comply with the project’s strict emissions regulations.
“For someone as robust as Mr Palmer, that also includes flatulence,” DMIRS Director General Richard Fluff told our reporter.
“This project operates on extremely thin margins when it comes to emissions, so any unexpected releases could have serious repercussions.”
“we let him off on the first silent-but-deadly in the lift, but thereafter have kept a gas detection wand at least 30cm from his rear end to monitor any expulsions.”
Mr Palmer appeared amiable about the situation, however after his second visit to the cafeteria for a beef and gravy roll, his mood had changed dramatically.
“He began walking a lot slower after lunch,” recounts Mr Fluff.
“His gait shifted from open and relaxed to a far more puckered and deliberate waddle.”
“At one point, our wand picked up trace amounts of methane as Mr Palmer perched up on the balls of one foot near a window and had a wincing look on his face, but we couldn’t get a clear enough reading to open an investigation.”
Now almost an hour into his site visit, Clive Palmer was profusely sweating and pursing his lips in facial expressions akin to an Olympic shot-putter mid-throw. His personal assistant was working quickly to wring out the sweat in Mr Palmers third shirt as he rounded the final section of the tour.
Mr Palmer cut a strained form as he thanked his guides and sprinted towards his private jet to head back to Queensland.
Tragically, the jet crashed 45 minutes into it’s journey, with a review of the Blackbox footage revealing an 18 minute-long fart followed by gagging and choking sounds from the flight deck. Fortunately all members aboard survived but had to be treated for significant methane poisoning.
Head back home here.