A temporary aberration in the spacetime continuum today has confirmed Gina Rinehart escaped being a grubby food van vendor with half a leg and emphysema only because her dad wasn’t blind and he just happened to look out the window of a plane at the right time one afternoon.
Bugle reporters were today lucky to return to the present day, at the exact point in space, after a brief trip took them simultaneously to beginnings and ends of time, stretching them at once from non-existence to infinity, and allowing them in an instant to absorb all the knowledge of the universe.
We can confirm the following:
- There is a heaven,
- The egg came before the chicken, and
- Gina Rinehart would be a toothless, one-legged emphysema-addled Dreamers Hill food vendor if her dad had been taking a nap that one time he flew over Australia’s northwest.
That last point, captured as the bugle team crossed the event horizon of an endless black hole which was both non-existent and at the same time encapsulated the entire universe, confirmed longstanding suspicions that the Rineharts – Gina as well as her entirely equally unimpressive family – are actually just greedily milking the rewards of fate that any idiot could have fallen arse-first into.
It turns out red dirt and rocks, coloured so richly the region appears blood orange from space, are as full of iron as you’d expect. Like a bright yellow $50 sitting on the footpath ahead of you, you’d have to be blind to have not seen that fresh pineapple.
As fate would have it, and nothing more, Lang Hancock turned his eyes out the window of a plane one day and made the exact observation any idiot in the same position could have made:
There’s rocks down there. Potentially valuable rocks.
Unfortunately, the bugle’s trans-cosmic investigation was pulled to a halt in an instant as the continuum repaired itself. Blinded by a sudden white tear through the ink-black canvas of deep space, and deafened by the roaring thunder of an infinite number of realities being compressed into a single one, the bugle team returned unharmed into its Karratha office in time for a 3pm knock-off and a trip down to the Dampier Mermaid to discuss the rising cost of living, housing crisis and complain about the fact that for every dollar the average doctor earns, Gina earns almost $2,000.