For the last five days, father-of-two Dane Campbell has been licking his lips at the sight of the wind forecast reading 3 Knots for the entire weekend.
The earthmoving business owner was in fact in the midst of coordinating a covert fishing trip to the Monte’s that was starting to read like a “MI5 sting operation”.
After finishing off a book on reverse psychology and establishing a few tenuous alibis, the barrel-chested man told The Bugle he was ready to front the missus.
“Honey, bunny, pudding and pie, do you remember Scotty from work? Well, he’s just been diagnosed with cancer and the lads think it would be really nice to lift his spirits and take him out to the islands this weekend,” he recalled cunningly broaching the subject.
“Honestly, I don’t want to go, I hate being out in the sun and drinking all day… and I hear the winds are really shit so it’d just be a waste of time out there.”
Folding up the washing, his wife gave a confused frown as she tried to remember who ‘Scotty’ was.
With their daughter’s dance rehearsal and the exhilarating Cossack Children’s Art Show already planned for the weekend, she presented him with an ultimatum.
“You can choose one day to go out on the boat, and we all come or nothing at all,” she said.
“You can invite ‘Scotty’ too.”
Campbell, 42, told our reporter he was forced into a corner and had to roll the die on which day to choose.
“It was then and there that I knew I wouldn’t be skull-crushing VBs, belting out the lyrics to Tribute by Tenacious D and making enquiries on the bottom of the ocean floor,” he sullenly recalled.
“She had me on the ropes, she had effectively called my bluff.”
With his phone now lighting up like a Christmas tree with abuse after telling the troops to stand down, Campbell and his family headed for Dampier boat ramp on Sunday morning.
However, upon their arrival, the usual sight of cruisers and trailers lined up to the Sharks’ clubrooms were nowhere to be seen.
Still adamant he was catching a fish, Dane reluctantly marched down to the ramp to watch it blowing its guts out and his wife and kids failing to keep the bow next to the jetty.
“Angel Island, it was,” he told our reporter.
After anchoring up and his daughter snagging his $45 Hex jig on the first drop, Dane announced to his family he was going for a dive.
Assembling his unknowingly flat Go-Pro, he switched it on to no avail and mused “Ahh just fantastic, of course who would bother to check if it was charging after I specifically asked for it.”
Plunging in, the visibility was so poor he could barely see his hands in front of his face.
Finally rearranging his mask he realised he’d been swept 15m, all manner of sea life cleared the area after he let out a deafening “F********K” underwater, before bobbing amongst the swell lifelessly and hoping a tiger shark would come tear him in half and put him out of his misery.
