A Karratha greenhorn has been sent up a creek without a paddle, after visiting the local nursery with a pipe dream of starting a vege patch.
Like many others who are within the first six months of their regional stint, Michael Stombach set out to jazz up his arid backyard prone to 40c heat and minimal shade.
Enter stage left, Pilbara Plants and Pets, one of the old faithfuls of the Karratha LIA and home to some of the finest snake oil salesmen in the North West.
“Welcome, new to the region I hear you say,” said Lena, a fat German backpacker with pigtails and a flawless sales record.
“Can I offer you some advice – things that go really well in the hotter months – Broccoli, Kale, snow peas – basically anything you associate with winter planting.”
Heaving six bags of premium potting mix onto Stombach’s trolley, she winked and added “don’t forget these”.
Almost buckling to the weight of the trolley and its bung wheel, the young general practitioner pressed on to the indoor plant section.
Greeted by John Farmer, 48 and designated forklift driver, the well-versed charlatan began to wax lyrical about the Ficus.
“Mate, this Giant Elephant Ear would go lovely on your front porch.
“Needs fuck all water, mate… hardy as fuck too.”
Whilst Stombach stood there trying to interpret the tongues presented to him, the pair were interrupted by an aggrieved customer.
Holding in his hands two tomato plants withered to their core, the man challenged John about his previous advice.
“It’s normal to replace your tomato plant every fortnight mate, look at it like a Netflix subscription,” John retorted.
“Listen, take a walk with me, I think I’ve got just what you need… say, are you familiar with the Siamese Fighting Fish.”
Stombach later told The Bugle the idea of growing vegetables was first seeded in his brain when he realised he had no friends with a boat.
“I asked my colleague Dr Adewuyi Abdulrazak if he’d like to go fishing and he just blankly stared at me for 3 minutes breathing heavily through his nose.
“And Dr Khan has never learnt to swim.
“So, I had to create my own fun.”
Standing out the back of his Baynton 4×2 Colourbond jailhouse, the defeated man pointed to a tilled patch of dirt.
“I followed all their instructions but nothing has survived,” Stombach said.
“I really don’t know where to go from here, I called John and he offered to flog me some hydrangeas – is that a good deal?”
