Rio Tinto executives have been caught trying to pull a fast one this week, attempting to hand the ‘rehabilitated” Argyle mine site back to traditional owners, despite having completely fucked the area and leaving behind a humungous hole in the earth.
The State government sent licenced valuers out to the site before the attempted handover, who put the financial value of the roughly 50-hectare site into perspective.
“Yeah it’s worth about the same price as a tin shed shithole house in Millars Well,” valuer Michael Philpot said.
“Back when you still had some pink stones kicking about it might have been in the billions, but yeah – now you’re looking at about fuck all,”
Despite Rio Tinto’s attempts to stick some saplings in the ground and call it a day, the valuers said the rehabilitation efforts aren’t up to scratch.
“I’m surprised with the level of pollution that the nearby fish stocks don’t all have two heads,”
“I would put this place in the category of a good first home buyer option or dipping your toes in the pool for a first little investment property.”
Miriwoong elders who arrived to site were shocked to see the state of the area.
Elder Dale Newry described seeing the culturally significant location for the first time to the Bugle.
“The fuck they done here?” he quizzed.
“I’ve seen teenagers do a better job of trying to hide a house party from their parents”
“There’s a huge fucken hole still in the ground fuckya.”
When reached for comment, Rio Tinto chief executive Simon Trott jammed his fingers in his ears and yelled “No givesies backsies!” before sprinting out of his office into a vacant conference room and hiding behind a chair.