Twiggys Mansion, WA:
“Great Scott, I think we’ve done it!”
Billionaire Andrew Forrest has revealed his newest project to secure tax-free government cash to support his mission to make Australia green: turning methane released by fellow billionaire Gina Rinehart into fair dinkum electricity.
Dr Forrest, who received an honourary doctorate from UWA in 2014 less than a year after making a $15 million donation to that same institution, confirmed the latest endeavour in an exclusive interview with The Bugle.
The billionaire mining mogul spoke to us directly from the seat of his Acoya mussel shell encrusted toilet while signing a monthly cheque to The West Australian for continuing to call him Twiggy and a green energy entrepreneur in any and all articles including his name.
Revealing he would continue to stubbornly refuse to accept carbon capture is a fantasy, Dr Forrest said the ingenious idea to harness the near-infinite potential energy emitted from Ms Rinehart’s own body was akin to harnessing energy direct from the earth’s sun – and he believes it could be key to slowing or even reversing climate change.
“You could power a medium-sized city on the methane that comes out of that rear end like clockwork,” Dr Forrest said.
“Three hours after her daily buffet lunch. I call it the quantum methane vortex.
“It took us seven months to develop a filter that could withstand the large quantity of particulate interference which splatters through the line with each expulsion, but combining the finest minds at NASA with my own research in my home bathroom has realised the advancement we needed to see this become a reality.”
The State Government said it was excited by the new technology, and hoped it could help bring the state to Net Zero ahead of schedule.
Not wishing to reveal too much about the potentially valuable technology, Dr Forrest said he envisaged Ms Rinehart would be backed up and strapped onto to a reverse respirator at 4pm each day.
He said using this technique, his system could harness enough methane to power a medium-sized city.
“Karratha, Port Hedland, Geraldton – perhaps even Bunbury and Busselton,” he said.
“All running on what I am calling clean, brown energy”.
Dr Forrest made his fortune in the minerals sector, churning up untouched land and extracting its precious metals.
He has for years been unironically promoting himself as an environmentalist.
With the cheerful moniker “Twiggy” a mainstay in the columns of WA’s only statewide newspaper, Dr Forrest has grown fat on low taxes, strong positive public sentiment and his own ambition to get his mitts into any industry that could fatten his wallet.
South Coast oysters, minerals in Australia and Canada, and aquaculture in the mid-west. If there’s a dollar to be had, “Twiggy” will be on the case.
From one bloated gasbag to another, early rumours about the technology had included speculation fellow billionaire Clive Palmer’s emissions could also be harnessed to get WA to Net Zero.
But Dr Forrest said repeated studies had found Mr Palmer was too inconsistent a source of methane, while technology capable of handling his peak load output was not expected to mature for decades.
“That toad could power half the country,” Dr Forrest said.
“But a major problem is he only makes himself known every three years, then he fucks off to god knows where before resurfacing at the next election cycle.”