As time appears to stand still at Karratha Health Campus, local Barista Heather Mortimer believes it would be quicker to study to become a doctor rather than be seen.
Slowly approaching nightfall in the Emergency Department, the woman and three other patients reportedly seized all hope after the last human interaction was more than seven hours ago.
“I’ve seen dozens of doctors walk in and out of those doors,” she told our reporter.
“RFDS could have whisked me off to Perth to see a medical practitioner and had me back before these clowns got their act together.”
Anxiously tapping her foot while intermittently watching Deal or No Deal muted on the big screen, Heather assessed her competing invalids.
There was an inconsolable snotty-nosed child sobbing with a fractured ankle, a young gentleman with a pesky rash picked up from Evolutions Bar at the weekend and an elderly woman in a wheelchair, who in fact already looked dead at the time of writing.
“I just don’t get it; they’re clearly not run off their feet like they continuously moan about…”
Suddenly the two doors swung open, and the patients were offered a glimpse of senior doctor Dennis McFarlane – who is paid roughly $315,881 a year – with his feet up, gnawing into a Milky Lane burger and getting a shoulder massage off one of the nurses.
As it closed and opened again, he was heard scoffing “Monty, did you happen the watch the last episode of White Lotus, it was fucking boring,” as grease drizzled down his chin and chunk of beef splattered onto the keyboard.
“Right, best go and treat one of the whingers.”
As he walked out with his manila folder, he instead ushered in our reporter who was suffering from a chronic ear infection and was unable to be seen by a GP until 3 weeks later.
“Right, I’ve had a look boyo, nothing but minor inflammation – here’s two Panadol now fuck off,” Dr McFarlane demanded.
In reply, our reporter argued he had just waited seven hours in severe pain and would appreciate a proper diagnosis and was not leaving until he got a prescription and antibiotics.
“We don’t just give them out willy nilly mate, there’s plenty of young aboriginal kids out there with irreversible ear problems and do you hear them complaining… No.”
While the two continued to bicker, the doors opened and Heather witnessed three doctors playing Hacky Sack, and on that note she turned to her phone and searched for online medical degrees.
After finding a suitable university, the barista enrolled, completed her UCAT, studied for six years, completed four years of clinical placements, two years of residency, specialised in General Practice – all while waiting to be seen in Karratha ED.
In response to these claims, WA Country Health Service said they had given up.
“It’s a bloody disgrace, we’re paying these ungrateful city-slickers $2,700 a day to see to the people of Karratha.
“We’re putting up their flights, their accommodation and food – just so they can work their way through a Jane Austen novella on night shift.”
