During the most recent school holidays, Julian Herron, 14, was forced by his parents to start looking at getting a foot into the job market, in an effort to build some valuable life skills.
His desired position of Streamer/Influencer was sadly already occupied by other dead-weight, airhead children so he was forced to take up the less glamorous gig of rounding up trolleys in the Karratha Shopping Centre carpark.
After a few months on the job, the 14-year-old had learned some hard lessons about himself.
“This job is probably the worst thing that has happened to anyone in the world, ever,” The young melodramatic ginger uttered while sweat ran the sunscreen from his forehead into his eyes.
“Mum bought me a wide-brim hat and some cycling gloves, but I gave up wearing them because Sarah from school saw me in them and videoed it and uploaded it to TikTok.”
In his short time in the role, he has developed a fatherly fondness for colleague Sanjeet, 41, who holds the record for most trolleys pushed in over 35 degrees.
“I don’t know how Sanjeet does it. He doesn’t wear a hat or anything. Just keeps a Bluetooth earpiece in and talks on the phone the whole shift, he doesn’t bat an eyelid in the heat.”
Speaking to the boy’s parents, they told the Bugle they were beginning to have second thoughts about his new job.
“One particularly hot afternoon this week he came home an absolute sweaty mess,” they said.
“His eyes were spinning around in his head and he was so overheated that he was speaking some garbled version of Pig Latin.”
When asked whether there were any lateral movements he could make within the Woolworths org chart, the 14-year-old was blunt in his reply.
“Yeah, I’d ask to be transferred to the deli section, but I have fucked all the chicks brains out that work there already” the pre-pubescent ginger blustered, seemingly not even able to convince himself of his wild claims.
As summer peaks its head around the corner and gives us all a preview of what’s to come, Julian is on his knees praying every night for a distant rich relative to fall off the perch or a humungous cyclone to wipe his workplace off the face of the earth for good.
