Aspiring vegan Fleur Lyons has accepted the dream is over after trying to grow her own vegetables for no longer than a week.
The Dampier woman who recently described Kale juice as “life-altering” had all intentions of living authentically and set out to plant her own produce.
However, after a week of totally normal and foreseeable hot weather Fleur’s planter box turned into a “massacre site”.
Wearing a sarong and no shoes, the Soak waitress walked our reporter through the damage.
“Right there is the remnants of newly planted Swiss Chard,” she said as a tear streamed down cheek.
“And right there is where I peacefully protested in the name of coriander.”
The 29-year-old later told The Bugle she made the lifestyle change after experiencing a “euphoric rush” that came with drinking a mushroom latte.
The grief-stricken brunette identified more victims in the front yard: some chargrilled snow peas and a very thirsty tomato plant.
“There is a lot of negative energy around here,” she said.
“I’m sensing you’re a Pisces.”
The Bugle spoke to Pilbara Plants and Pets store manager Jane Atkins about the likelihood of anything surviving in the northwest.
“Let’s be real here, you’ve got more chance growing basil in Los Alamos than you do in your own backyard,” Jane remarked.
“I honestly don’t know how we keep our doors open.
“But the second you mention the words ‘seaweed extract’ or ‘philodendron’ these tree-hugging morons appear in droves.”
Fleur was last seen flogging off her copy of Greta Thunberg’s book outside of Woolies amidst her latest rebrand.
