Mark Gregory, 44, is coming off the back of a particularly nasty night shift swing that has sent his circadian rhythm into complete disarray.
“Cunt of a thing,” he told the Bugle through half-closed and bloodshot eyes.
“I have tried just about everything to get back into a normal routine, but I still feel like a concussed zombie with a bad case of the night-sweats.”
Somehow taken aback that a diet consisting of Monster energy drinks and quadruple the recommended dosage of No-Doz could have an adverse effect on his sleep cycle, Mark says he is running out of options to get some shut-eye.
“I tried listening to the wireless. I tried the Calming Oceans Playlist. I even tried my Mrs shakti mat. I am in dire straits here.”
Rolling around uncomfortably in bed during the twilight hours, sweaty and confused, Mark suddenly had a moment of clarity hit him like a lightning bolt, bringing him out of his fugue state and into the drivers seat of his Patrol.
It was time to seek the guidance of a higher power.
“Give yourself to the chicken, and you will share in the spoils of its fruits one thousand times over” He mindfully beseeched, as he made his way through the gentle curves of the KFC drive thru.
“May the Colonel himself smile down upon me as I seek his counsel once more.”
Setting the AC to 16 degrees as he lowered himself down onto the couch and unboxed his greasy medicine, it wasn’t long into his meal before Mark started yawning, stretching out his body and slowly making his way into the prone position, where he stayed put like a bulky felled tree for 15 hours.
