Early Census statistics have revealed nine out of ten people in Broome are a bunch of smug pricks.
The unsurprising findings came to light after data was leaked to the investigations team at The Karratha Bugle, ahead of the official unveiling on Tuesday 11 August.
According to the results, more than 90 per cent of Broome’s population self-identified as wankers.
Australian Bureau of Statistics senior policy analyst Martin Carpetbagger confirmed the numbers validated a lot of preconceived notions.
“We were able to draw a parallel with Broome being the Claremont of the northwest,” Carpetbagger said.
“A lot self-righteous, Matso-sipping, fake arseholes up there.”
More than 98 per cent of respondents ticked the biggest day in Australia was the Broome Cup.
A further 2 per cent said they were awesome for getting snapped trackside along the home straight at the Broome Turf Club and making it their Facebook profile picture.
Mr Carpetbagger said there were some conflicting results too, which deserved further scrutiny.
“There was a large portion of white female hippy respondents that self-identified as First Nations.
“But in fact, when we sent a researcher out there, none of them were to be seen at Male Oval getting involved in the Fruit Lexia festivities.
“Most of the population also ticked that they were under the impression that they played a role in divine intervention with their dogshit stairway to heaven.
“Wankers, wankers I tell you.”
The Bugle can confirm it sent its cadet to get some vox pops, but he has not resurfaced since attending the Wet T-Shirt comp at the Roey.
Further south, early data showed pegging was still a major fixture in Wickham.
