“Big, bald and brave.”
These were the words Emily, formerly Bruce as of yesterday, used to describe herself in front of a selection panel to secure a sought-after Principal role at BHP’s Jimblebar mine.
Up against a mixed field of candidates – career veterans, superintendents, and the like – the Water Cart Operator of 13 months knew it would take something special to wow the hiring committee.
“It was pretty simple, to be eligible you needed 1. to be a permanent employee. And 2. identify as a woman,” she said.
“I thought to myself ‘I can do that’.
“So, I rolled up to the interview with a bit of red lippie, a pair of Jimmy Choos, and a blouse that revealed enough cleavage and took it from there.
“I even got out the tweezers in case they questioned me – I now have the most impeccably groomed man-gina.”
Scratching her balls while exclusively speaking with The Bugle, Emily told our reporter that up until yesterday she was known Bruce around the traps.
“Look, I’m not sure how they are going to take it down at the footy club, but fair dos is fair dos,” she said, before bringing her hand up from her groin and giving her fingers a whiff.
“If this is what it takes to be promoted then so be it.”
BHP has a clear policy of inclusion and is actively committed to hiring transgender, gender diverse, and non-binary individuals, stating that no employee or candidate should feel pressured to hide who they are.
An industry insider told The Bugle in simple terms that means if you are hard-working, loyal and driven white male you are shit out of luck.
Two weeks into the new gig, Emily has reportedly slotted into the Principal Operations role with minor teething issues.
“It’s fantastic, I’m basically untouchable now and can say whatever I like,” she said.
“Just last week I called a senior geologist a stupid bitch at prestart and no one batted an eyelid.”
The bearded woman has also allegedly filed three sexual assault claims.
“Young Brandon keeps propositioning me every time we have a 10-minute vape break – I have to keep reminding the horny bastard that I’m lesbian!”
BHP confirmed in a statement that the hire was a cut and dry case of best person for the job.
“These are our future team leaders,” a BHP spokesperson said.
It is believed Emily is now contemplating becoming a transmac and goes by the name Sayonara Kitty Eyes Excelsior The Third, whilst shattering the record for mental health leave.