The City of Karratha is reeling today, after just about every citizen came home from work to discover one of those annoying ‘Sorry We Missed You’ cards from the postie jammed in their door.
Missing the postie is a regular ocurrence in Karratha – usually not due to the homeowners absence, but due to the fucking insane speed with which delivery drivers knock and then jog back to their van with your parcel.
With the increased workload over to the Christmas period, Auspost CEO Nigel Cruikshank told the Bugle they are bringing in the best person possible to help lighten the load.
“We have hired eight-time Olympic medallist and World Record holder Usain Bolt to assist on our delivery route from Baynton through to Millars Well,” he announced.
“with his pace, we should be able to miss quadruple the deliveries ,”
With the amount of backlogged parcels due to not actually delivering them, Mr Cruikshank said storage is going to become a concern.
“Mr Bolt has a KPI to knock on peoples door and then sprint off back to his van with the package, the resultant complication of this though is where the fuck do we put everyones packages,”
“Mostly I try to just sit on the bigger packages until they crumple down to a more fileable size and then cram them under the desk in the Auspost building.”
“Sure we get a few complaints from the ne’er-do-wells but this ain’t Amazon pal, you gotta crack a couple eggs to make an omelette.”
Residents across Karratha are fed up with the current knock’n’run culture of delivery drivers, with one community member telling the Bugle about a recent experience.
“I was literally standing for hours behind my front door just so I could catch the cunt,” they said.
“He was like a flash – I heard the doorbell and saw a shadow flicker through the door window pane, but in the milliseconds between my neurons firing and grabbing the doorknob, the fucker was gone.”
Naturally the issue was brought up by multiple residents at the City of Karratha’s most recent council meeting.
Whilst the City said in a statement it has no control over how Auspost runs their delivery routes, they said they remain committed to getting Mr Bolts autograph if they are ever quick enough to open the door before he flees with their delivery.
