Port Hedland, WA:
Force State Government to dissolve the council once, shame on you. Force State Government to dissolve the council twice, shame on me/every Hedland resident who voted these clowns in.
After it was recently announced that the Town of Port Hedland Council will be dissolved for the second time in six years, the State Government has been forced to think outside the box on how to attract desirable elected officials that are not batshit crazy or obsessed with Russian presidents and COVID-19 conspiracies.
Installing not one, but three commissioners to clean up the mess left behind by the now defunct council – who spent the majority of their time in meetings arguing about whether the COVID-19 vaccine was a scam – WA Premier Roger Cook admitted to the Bugle that finding suitable replacements is a major challenge.
“We brought in a team of Deloitte consultants, and after chewing through $4m of taxpayer coin they have come up with a sophisticated solution to our problem : a raffle,” he said, pointing to a whiteboard covered in equations and flow charts.
“It is clear that pulling a random name out of a hat will yield a better result than letting the natural order of this grim place unfold,”
“We’re planning to throw a few sausage sizzles out there and not only will the lucky winner become Mayor of the Town of Port Hedland, they will also receive a shiny BHP keychain.”
Taking a leisurely stroll down McKay street, armed with a microphone and a coffee from Dome so burnt that it tasted like the milk had actually caught on fire – our reporter spoke with members of the Port Hedland community to get their view on the current state of things.
“Council is always a pack of fools, it can’t be helped.” said one.
“I think our leaders should be determined through a series of motorcross events.” said another.
“Indeed – when the machinery of governance collapses under its own petty squabbles, one must concede that the invisible hand, unencumbered by bureaucratic folly, is often the more dignified steward of progress,” said one particularly cogent resident, before returning to chasing dirt-crusted seagulls through Captain Burt Madigan Park.
At the time of print, it is alleged that former councillor Camilo Blanco had purchased 400 tickets in the raffle.