Karratha, WA:
The day has finally come. After years of speculation, Bunnings has finally confirmed it will be setting up shop in Karratha.
The City of Karratha approved a 7,600 square metre allotment at the new Homemaker Centre for the giant retailer, with one caveat added during intense contract negotiations.
“We want to watch the other ones burn,” stated Bunnings Managing Director Michael Cistern.
“It’s become a bit of a ritual for us now – we come into a new location, and we whip out the deck chairs and take a good look as the local competition starve to death.”
When discussing the long process undertaken to get to this point, Mr Cistern applauded Local Government and all key stakeholders involved in getting the deal over the line.
“I will hand it to the City of Karratha, they are keen negotiators,” he admitted.
“I was quite firm on my desire to piss all over the ashes of any and all other local hardware stores once we devoured them,”
“But the City obviously cares deeply about its local, grass-roots businesses.”
Bunnings aren’t the only mega-chain moving into the new Homemaker Centre, with retailers like BCF, Supercheap Auto and for some reason Red Dot rumoured to be joining suit.
Regional Development Australia spokesperson Cindy Flint said it’s great to see the corporatisation of formerly family-owned businesses.
“This is going to be a massive boost to Karratha,” she said.
“what you lose in specialist knowledge, community engagement and local investment – you get back in high-volume sales of warped 2x4s.”
“A fantastic day for shareholders in Perth and on the East coast of Australia- no longer will money get pumped back into asinine programs like children’s sports.”
When speaking to the Bugle regarding imminent disruptions that a Bunnings will have on local operators, Mr Cistern was blunt in his response.
“Shop local? Shove it up your japs eye!” he blurted.
“We let piddly losers cook sausages on our doorstep for their little ’causes’, they’re lucky we don’t take a cut!”