The Karratha Bugle took a stroll to the shopping centre this past month and polled roughly 1000 locals to find out what they want from pollies this election cycle. Beyond asking our reporter why they were wearing a ten-gallon hat indoors, here’s how they responded.
1. Bunnings Karratha (93%)
The locals have spoken! They are tired of being fucked in the arse by Home Hardware prices and want Bunnings to take a turn! Somehow the faint mirage on the horizon of being able to purchase warped timber, PVC dungarees and shit solar lighting is enough to warrant decades of unrest among Karratha locals.
2. Cheaper weed (84%)
A surprising number of respondents put their vote behind a government initiative to resolve the depressing state of the region’s cannabis supply. Several locals expressed despondency at being slogged $600 for an ounce in the past 12 months for low-grade grass that would get turned down in Hakea.
“The shit we get looks like clump of spinifex,” one respondent scribbled onto their ballot.
3. Higher speed limits on major regional roads (77%)
Locals also strongly called for the State Government to raise or suspend speed limits entirely on isolated arterial roads. The demand was consistently followed up by a request for some sort of projectile explosive device that punters could use to eliminate Grey Nomads when they speed match you on an overtake attempt.
4. Cheaper prices on food and beer (69%)
With the foreboding sense that an even more expensive burger franchise is coming to town to replace an already overpriced crap-heap of a bar, clumped in the middle of town and surrounded by fellow sub-standard eateries charging top dollar, Karratha locals put their foot down at the tremendous fees associated with a bit of grub and piss.
“You can upgrade to the deluxe happy rubbing at Milky Hands Massage for less than a pint will cost at that place,” wrote one local.
5. Direct flights to Bali
Almost as persistent a dream as getting a Bunnings in town, locals expressed a strong desire to see direct flight to Bali return to Karratha Airport.
“Luv a Bintang on Kuta Beach,” wrote one local. “Get that cunt into me!”
