With his fingers crossed, Grant Thornley, 40, watches his laptop screen with anticipation as the BOM website slowly loads up the weather outlook for the week.
“Fuck sake!” He shouts. Another week set to pass without a tropical cyclone.
A potentially confusing response to the absence of a natural disaster-worthy weather event, Mr Thornley has a garage full of reasons to justify his hopes for a low-pressure system to run through the fine city of Karratha.
“My garage is full to the brim with shit I no longer need,” he says with frustration.
“My stupid kids Green Machine that he bugged me for months to buy, now lies a relic amongst the deflated pool toys and impulse buys.”
“My failed ventures into home gym equipment. The wife’s many failed side businesses: cosmetics, boot-making, paint and sip paraphernalia. The list goes on.”
“As soon as I catch wind that there is TC headed our way, I am going to unload so much crap onto my verge you’d think I was the Father Christmas of faulty household appliances and clapped out power tools.”
Knowing full well that the 7 Mile Waste Facility is free for residents, Mr Thornley cites a recent deep-clean on his Utes tray as just cause for not loading up and making the eight-minute drive to the tip.
“The way I see it, if I drive all my old washing machines to the tip and then there’s a cyclone, they’re just gonna get blown into the hills anyhow,”
“So, why not cut out the middleman and leave them on the verge for mother nature to deal with.”
“And if it just so happens to catapult into my neighbours place, serves him right for the hordes of bean pods that have invaded my backyard.”
“Or if my old fridge were to be swept up and takes out Pearlers Rest, so be it I say.”
Upon hearing Mr Thornley’s plans, a spokesperson for the SES released a measured statement in response.
“This cunt has rocks in his head,” it reads.
“If you are stupid enough to leave things laying around before a tropical cyclone, we will personally locate the items, pick them up, drive them back to your property and belt you over the head with them until you say Uncle.”