The non-existent Karratha bureau of the ABC has joined the broadcaster’s nationwide strike, planned for Wednesday amid pay disputes.
A senior board member at the ABC head office in Ultimo spoke briefly to The Bugle about their tepid concerns of the Pilbara staff walking off the job.
“Those peons are less journalist and more like cosplaying journalists,” the board member laughed.
“Within 15 minutes of walking off-site, they will be replaced with an inanimate object bird toy.
“When that occurs, we are forecasting a productivity increase of up to 50%.”
Despite demanding the biggest wages and being the best paid reporters in regional WA, ABC Pilbara continues to be the worst performing news outlet across the board.
According to a recent ratings report, ABC Pilbara holds the minority 2 per cent of the market share.
A special mention was made of breakfast presenter Kelly Gudgeon whose show was responsible for the ratings plummeting by 9 per cent. The rest of the sideshow weren’t excluded from celebrations though, contributing to the 0 per cent listeners for news radio. Yes, 0 listeners.
That’s compared to 51 per cent of local listeners who would much prefer to get their news from Ben Cousins.
The results mean ABC Pilbara spends $70,000 for every listener it generates.
A former ABC chair, who requested anonymity, said she was astounded by those figures.
“Deary me,” she said.
“The chief of staff should be shot!
“Yet in the face of it, we’ve got management level morons boasting on LinkedIn that they’re studying to be a business expert and are responsible for 75 reporters.
“Perhaps I suggest focussing a little less on shameless self-promotion and actually serving the community like you are paid to.
“It’s highly embarrassing stuff.”
Earnestly and with no hints of irony, the ABC Pilbara staff are expecting their contribution to the nationwide strike to shatter the media landscape.
Interpreted as ironic given their reportedly intangible presence in the region – where most punters were under the impression the ABC shut up shop years ago because the service offerings were that bad.
Nevertheless, the Karratha bureau’s flagship Breakfast programme went to air today for its three listeners – with the presenter delivering some pay-rise-worthy non sequitur content.
“On a side note – it is world avocado day today! text in and let me know how you like to eat your avocados – do you even eat avocados!? Ha. Text in or call I’d love to hear from you.”
When actively campaigning in the community to rally support from locals, the only thing seemed to stir community members was the risk that if the ABC Pilbara went under, Pilbara News might capitalise and resurrect their cringeworthy “Gone Troppo” segment.
“It’s catch 22,” shuddered one local upon thinking of reading the languid musings once again.
“on the upside, I’m looking forward to hearing what this water drinking toy bird has to say – it might actually try hold a politician to account for once.”
